When did it become a thing to look outside of us for answers? When did we start asking others, who are just living their own lives, for what we need for ours? When did other people start becoming experts on my life? Or when did I start let them?
All the answers we need to everything in our life is already inside of us. My take on it is this: there are others who have gone through something similar to what we are going through or are living similar lives to our own and we can look to them for guidance, for advice, but not answers for our own lives. The answers for your life lie with you and you alone.
I am incredibly guilty of looking outside of myself for answers more often than not and becoming cynical when they do something or say something that I don’t agree with. I know that the answer to whatever I am questioning is inside of me already. And lately, I keep coming back to a place inside of me that I have been afraid to face. It’s possible that all the planetary movement has shifted something or it’s just quite possible that I am tired of carrying all the extra weight of the walls that had been built up.
From a very young age, I was told by outside voices that who I was wasn’t good enough to be friends with anyone. That there was something very wrong with me, with my looks, with my voice, with my knowledge. So I started to build walls within me, defensive barracks to keep out the attacks. And my inside voice who knew all of those outside voices were wrong, was silenced for a very long time.
As I grew, the walls grew with me and became bigger and harder to crack. The guards on the top of those walls became reactionary to anything that looked like it could hurt me. I would lash out from this place of reaction, from a place of not wanting to be hurt. And recently, I realize that I still exist in that place of reaction, instead of love. I create stories that compliment (not in a nice way) this place of reaction, this place of seeking validation from places outside of me.
So this is me, working on coming from a place of love and light and trust. And letting go of anything that doesn’t serve my highest purpose, my light. I am in the process of breaking down those walls with a huge fucking sledge hammer. It hurts. These walls have been a part of me for so fucking long that breaking through them brings a physical pain.
There are still times that I struggle, times that I pull back or have the urge to curl up, away from the pain of moving through the layers and walls that have been built up. I haven’t had kids, but the labour scenario seems fitting. All this pain, all these walls, have grown inside of me, ‘protecting’ me from hurt, from attacks and in order to release them, to let them go, there is a birthing of sorts that happens, a pushing through, a release. Maybe a bowel movement is more apropos. I’m getting rid of the shit that has built up inside of me and needs to be released. Labour tends to produce babies, which are a form of creativity. Shit just gets flushed down the toilet and away from you.
I have amazing friends walking along beside me, supporting me, loving me and holding my hand when I need it. I have a coach that guides from a place of intuition and instinct and for her and all my friends, I am incredibly grateful.
Seanna: So hey Universe…ummm…I’m kind of scared here. This is hard and it hurts. (looks down in embarrassment)
The Universe:(tilts my chin back up) I’ve got you. Just keep looking forward and doing the work.