Boundaries round 2

Hello boundaries my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again.  I’ve been learning or perhaps re-learning what my boundaries are and what they needed to be.

It’s easy to say to someone ‘hey respect my boundaries’ but how about when I’m not respecting my own boundaries and intuition.

When we are children we start to learn the word ‘no’. It’s usually when we are 2 and it’s the best word ever to say, especially super loud in a building that echoes.  But we aren’t really taught boundaries at least, not how to have healthy boundaries. We are so busy going to school, learning social ‘norms’ like who is cool and who isn’t, learning math, learning history, working on figuring out who we are, and if the voices of our peers are us telling us we aren’t good enough, or that no one likes us, we start figuring out how to become someone everyone will like. We hang out with people we normally wouldn’t, we go places we really don’t want to and we do things, like ditching school and smoking, just to try and please other people. In short, we let people past our boundaries time and time again. No wonder we are so messed up as adults.

I’m at a place in my life where I have a wealth of adventures but not funds. At 45 years of age, I had to phone my Mom and ask if I could borrow enough money to pay rent. Hello guilt & shame, I’ve come to talk to you again. I loathed having to ask her. ‘Hi! This is your adult daughter asking for you to bail her out (again).’ For various reasons, and I own much of this, I am barely making ends meet. Why am I admitting this here, out loud, possibly to strangers who happen across my blog?  Because it sucks and it feels rotten and frustrating and shameful and I know I’m not the only one experiencing this. Too many times we shut down when we feel any sort of shame or guilt or having to ask for help.  I didn’t write this to cause any grief or to be pitied or to invoke my victim self or to shame anyone else, I wrote it for me because I hide too much of my life. It would hurt more to carry it inside rather than blurt it out and leave it on the page. I could have just done this as a journal entry, but what if someone else needs to read this and know that they’re not alone in this world of adulting.

I was reminded beautifully today, in speaking with a friend, that when we run from the pain or try to hide from it, it only delays it. It’s doesn’t go away. It’s when we stand and face the pain of whatever it is we are going through, whether it’s money or addictions or the fear of disappointing someone or shame,  it gets easier to move through the pain and the more we do that, the less fear we have of it.

On the phone today, in tears, I said to my Mom (not verbatim), ‘I know that a couple of years down the road, when I am in a place of abundance, prosperity, financial health & wealthy, and in a place where I can give back, I will look back on this day and know that as much as it sucked, that I had to go through it, that it was worth it just to not ever feel like that again.’ And she said ‘It’s already happened’. I can feel my couple-of-years-from-now self reaching back and holding me and assuring me that all of it, all of the pain, the suckiness, the lack, will be worth it. That I will get through it. And I will be able to send my Mom on an all expense paid trip to Cinque Terre for her 81st birthday. Because 81 is a bit more rebellious that 80.

Seanna: Hey Universe, this one really, really hurts. Like deep in my heart hurt.

The Universe: It means you are alive and you feel deeply. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Remember the pain of it. That will keep you moving forward and building your empire so you don’t ever have to feel it again. (Yes, I’ve seen your FB and Instagram posts) And keep working on your boundaries and listening to your heart. You mastered step classes in the 90’s and you will master this too. You are loved and supported, always.



I’ve been up in my head for the last week or so and the conversation has been, for the most part, utterly stupid or at least about stupid things. I rant and rave and get upset about things about other people that are out of my control. I get angry about being 45 and still working paycheque to paycheque and not even being close to a down payment on a house in Spuzzum let alone Vancouver or Victoria. Then I get frustrated at myself for ranting and raving about other people’s behaviour that I can’t control. Then I would do the whole ‘enough!’ and talk to myself in the 3rd person. There was an intense tennis match up there. (without the love)

I know, logically, that the ONLY person I am responsible for is me. I am the one that can control my behaviour, what I think and do,  how I am in the world.  I am soooooo good at creating boundaries in my head. Seriously! Oscar worthy speeches get written in my head about said boundaries but don’t get communicated out. Maybe I need the Kodak Theatre stage to stand on? (taps mic, “Is this thing on?”) I let other people and their issues (or what I view as issues) and the past take up space in my head. And it’s exhausting.  I’m done with it. It will take time but I’m increasing the real estate prices in my head and only nourishing, healthy, beautiful luxurious thoughts may enter.  (think yoga on a beach in French Polynesia)  As the rates increase, I will be pushing the squatters out. No, you may NOT stay.

I can care, but not have to care-give.

I can assist, but not have to do it all.

I can love, but not have to lose myself or my integrity in the process.

I can just listen and not have to reply.

I can say no. Just that.

Okay, I can say no and not feel guilty. (sorry)

I will hold to my boundaries, so expect to hear no more often. (again, sorry)

We are responsible for ourselves and how we are. No one else.  When I worked in hotels, especially in management, I had to take responsibility for others and situations. The staff, the guests, the people outside that were panhandling on the side walk, the condition of the room, the aftermath of a car break-in, the fire alarm at 7 in the morning…I could go on, but you get the idea. All of it out of my control, but as management, it was expected and still is anywhere a management structure is in place. It took a while to learn how to let go of the heaviness of it and it’s still a lesson in progress.

What you did to me or said to me is your business. How I respond to it is mine.

If we take too much responsibility for other peoples stuff, they don’t learn how to carry it themselves. Or stand on their own. It’s like a form of enabling and it sucks.

So please don’t give me your stuff, or anyone else’s for that matter. I have enough of my own.

You do you.

I will do me.

And hopefully we can meet somewhere in the middle for a hug and tea.

Seanna: <deep sigh> Hey Universe, this is a big lesson and it’s uncomfortable and I’m emotional about saying it out loud in the form of this blog. <another deep sigh>

The Universe: Seanna, you are still loving and still compassionate and still a good human being. Hold fast to your boundaries. It will get easier. And yes, you get to take this into the next life with you.


So far

I stood at the edge of the cliff, at the edge of all I have known, so far, with the all people that had been apart of all I have known, so far

Suitcases were stacked haphazardly all around us, some with their contents spilling out onto the soggy ground, getting drenched by the falling rain

‘I’m done carry you and your baggage. Whether you meant for me to carry it or not, at some point during this journey, so far, I picked it up and helped you carry it

I’ve got my own baggage to carry and unpack and carry and unpack and I can’t carry yours anymore. I won’t carry yours anymore.

It’s heavy and it’s cumbersome and old. You need to carry it on your own or leave it here. It’s up to you.

But from here on out, I only carry my own matching baggage

Case closed

There are new edges to come to, new joys to feel, new radiance’s to shine with, new adventures to seek’

I took an energetic sword and cut through all the connections that have kept me here, held me here.

I cut through and felt them release.

I heard the whisper ‘Come to the edge and fly’

With that, and feeling so much lighter, I leaped off the cliff into new possibilities, new adventures, and joy.




I’ve been home for a week and I’ve allowed my body to dictate when I am sleeping and eating. I’m usually in bed by 6pm and up around 5:30am, making coffee and getting dressed. That’s about as active as I can get at the moment. More morning activities will be added as the jet lag wears off.

While I know that making the decision to come back when I did, there is some sadness that trickles in when I am tired.

Traveling by yourself is challenging and exhilarating and rewarding and confronts you with limits that you have to push past, especially when you are in countries where English is not the first language.  You will be in train stations that have signs posted and you have no idea what they say. You only hope that you get on the right train or bus and you hope that you are traveling in the right direction, whatever that direction is.

I pushed boundaries and limits and comfort zones and any other analogy that you want to use. I confronted fear and discomfort and I stared them down until they were mere wisps that disappeared in the breeze.

The thing is, pushing past all those comfort zones changes you and expands what you feel is possible in your life. When you return ‘home’ with everything that has changed you, you can’t return to what your life was before you left because it no longer exists.

So you grieve it, and send it gratitude because it got you to the place where you felt brave enough to leap into the adventure that helped expand your view of the world and expand your belief in what you are capable of.

I feel like I am on this amazing path of discovery and I get to keep moving forward into more growth, more discomfort, more expansiveness and more adventure. And it feels so good.

2018, you are going to rock.

Love, Seanna



Hurry up and wait

In my observation, when travel is involved,  there is quite a bit of hurry up and wait. I am at the airport, you guessed it, waiting for my flight which is now delayed. I slept in this morning, and panicked a bit when I woke up. The driver, Nanong, was coming for me at 10am and I woke up at 9:33. I had worked late the night before and set the time for my alarm but forgot to turn it on. Fortunately, I had trusted my intuition and packed the night before. Everything was ready to go, I just needed to get dressed.

We were on our way at 10:09 am and I still had time to stop and print off my boarding passes at the co-working space that I have been working out of while in Ubud. 9 minutes there and a coconut milk cappuccino in a takeaway cup and we were on our way! Even with this, I felt a bit rushed and worried about traffic.

Traffic in Ubud is notoriously unpredictable. You can go for a couple of miles, clear sailing all the way, and then come upon a cremation ceremony that has taken over the road. Or another type of ceremony.  This morning, Nanong, the amazing driver from Outpost, told me ( I think jokingly) that Bali means ‘many days off’ because there are always ceremonies on Bali and the Balinese take these days off.

As you do, we came upon a ceremony in Bali and fortunately Nanong has sharp eyes and turned off to detour us around the ceremony that was slowing traffic down.

From there on, it was clear all the way to the airport, with a bit of a bottleneck at the round about in front of the airport.

FYI, there is construction going on outside the Ngurah Rai airport and it will take a year to build an underpass from the airport which will hopefully clear up the amount of traffic that builds up from all of the cars picking people up when they arrive on Bali. It sometimes takes 30-40 minutes just to clear the airport!

When I was checking in for my flight, I wasn’t sure how much my backpack weighed, so to be on the safe side, I paid an extra $2 CAD for an extra 5kg taking my checked luggage allowance up to 25 kg. My backpack only weighed 12.8 kg. Oh well, this means plenty of room for souvenirs!

I made my way to security where there very few people in front of me, and then went through to passport control, and wound up in a queue behind a good 40-50 people. There were 3 different queues of people waiting to get through. As I stood inline, I watched new people arrive and they would stand at the back of the queue for a minute or 2 and watch to see which queues were moving faster. They would pick the one that they thought would move the fastest in the hopes of what? Making it though to the other side for duty free and pancakes? There would be more waiting on the other side.

We rush to get places and lose sight of the way there. We think, and I’m included in this we, that once we get ‘there’ everything will be fine. Well I’m here at the airport and my flight is delayed. So more waiting. Bali has this way of sneaking a lesson in when I’m not looking. She’s taught me patience, but my western tendencies tend to creep back in occasionally.

The delay allowed me to write this blog. Take that waiting!!! Ha! Suksma Mama Bali.

The Universe: Nice observation Seanna.

Seanna: You’ve taught me well.


Watch where you walk

Ubud doesn’t let you drift away into thought while you are walking down the street.  The sidewalk are sometimes a jumble of tree roots and broken tiles or huge gaps that you need to leap over or walk around, lest you wind up in the sewer below. There are offerings to the gods on the ground in front of shops that you need to step over as to not offend the shop keeper or the gods. There is also dog shit left lovingly, or carelessly, by the many Bali dogs that roam the streets.

I’m struggling with jet lag and looking for a place that ticks all the boxes for a longer stay, for the feeling that I made the right choice in coming back. It’s making itself scarce.  At any given moment, we make decisions and choices that affect our comfort zones, boundaries and mindsets about what we believed was possible.  The jumping off for me was relatively easy when deciding to come back to Bali. I have more cracking, more blooming, more growing and I knew intuitively that Bali was the place for me to do it. I haven’t even been here a week yet and that exhausting inner gremlin voice is questioning everything. It’s being loud and obnoxious and devious and tiresome. Oh so tiresome.

I am out of a comfort zone. I hauled myself halfway across the world, by myself, to immerse myself in a culture that focuses on being present when I’m use to thinking 3 or more steps ahead. I’m rushing through meals thinking I have to be somewhere, when I don’t. I’m hurrying along rice field pathways looking for a place rather than seeing what’s around me.  And it’s exhaustive.

The flow will come. I just need to stand in the middle of the river and allow the waters to rush around me while I find my grounding. I just need my roots to sink in a little bit deeper. And if I fall over while rooting myself, I’ll just stand back up.

Life is going to throw things at us that we won’t always catch. That’s okay. We’re not meant to catch every throw. We’re going to fall, we’re going to question every decision or choice we make and that little gremlin voice, that angry roommate in our heads, will be there, ready to judge and say ‘I told you so’ when things don’t go as planned.  Don’t listen to that voice (and it will get louder before it gets quieter). Get back up and listen to your heart. It will always move you forward.




You do know the way

I’ve often had dreams in which I am running or walking or driving…with my eyes closed. No matter what I do in the dream, my eyes stay shut.

Recently, Friday to be exact, I had another one of those dreams. Later that afternoon I was chatting with a friend over FB messenger and while we were chatting, I realized with sudden clarity what the dreams meant. This is what I wrote to her: ‘I took a nap this afternoon and during my nap I was dreaming that I was driving my mom somewhere, but my eyes were closed but I knew where I was going. I finally realized what it means. (I’ve had many dreams where my eyes are closed and as much as I try to open them I can’t) That I know the way. Deep inside, I know the way. I just need to let go, to surrender, of wanting to control or to see what is coming.’

It was such a powerful realization.

We know the way forward, all of us. We just need to start where we are, in the now.

The Universe: Seanna, you know the way. You always have. It’s inside of you.

Seanna: But I can’t see! How am I supposed to know the way if I can’t see?

The Universe: You trust your heart.