I worry about disappointing them, the women that came before, about letting them down, about letting myself down. Disappoint is such a word that invokes a feeling of deep discomfort.
I feel their eyes on me through the ages and I wonder what they think of my life.
Resistance is a bitch, is this angry petulant child that rather than looking at how something could work out, stomps it’s feet and loudly pouts in the corner wanting attention needing to be caressed and coaxing it out with candy and half truths to make it feel better. I am so tired of holding back and living small of not believing in myself and my dreams.
I feel their voices in my heart more than I hear them in my head ‘Little one, do not doubt your power. You were made of stars and wonder, you are more ancient than the Universe and you carry the wisdom of your mothers mothers mother in every beat of your heart and in your soul. You have lived so many times before and this is simply another physical form for you to engage the world in. Everything you need is within you. All the answers to your questions live within the sweetness of your soul. Listen, little one, listen. You come from warrior queens and gentle women, from men who loved deeply and fought bravely; the blood that flows through your veins ran freely on fields of war and in the fluid of birth. Your eyes have seen birth and death in this lifetime and so many before. You have a depth that is infinite. Listen, little one with the big, beautiful eyes, listen, deeply. You are the cave that you fear to enter. You are the treasure you seek. There is nothing small about you, you are as vast as the Universe. Your life is a miracle, as were ours, and you are a testament of our lives, our loves, our losses. Reach for our hands in the moments you feel small or feel doubt. We walk with you through this life and all the others that will follow. Reach for our hands when you doubt your worth, your value, your path. You are of the stars and the earth and you are magnificent. Believe in your magnificence, in your light, in your power. We do.”
I feel them get quieter in my heart and then I feel them standing behind me, honouring the path I am walking and their paths before. And I am grateful.