I’ve been uncomfortable since day 3 of being on Bali. Between the bug bites and the low grade heat rash or some form of eczema, and the need to be near a toilet for the first few hours of the morning, it’s like I’m being asked how badly I really want this. And I’ve only been here for 2 weeks! I have another 5.5 months of this? There is that part of me that imagined that all the questions I had would suddenly have answers and I would be immersed in the magic and bliss of Bali.
For the last week, I’ve been on retreat and stuff has been rising to the surface and rushing out verbally. Memories and feelings that were pushed down for a really long time and won’t be kept down anymore have been rushing to the surface during meditation, yoga, sharing and a water purification ceremony with a Balinese high priest. Stuff that I had pushed down so deep, I had forgotten all about it.
But that the thing about stuffing something down…it’s eventually bound to pop back up again, just like when you try to hold a ball under water in a pool. Ever tried that? You hold it down and then all up the sudden it pops up and brings a huge splash of water with it. Fortunately it’s only words and emotions that are rushing up to the surface and out of my mouth.
My instinct is to turn and run. Back to the known. Back to where I can hide in plain sight. To where stagnancy dwells and change is turned away at the gate. My intuition tells me to stay and to sit with the discomfort, to just be still, to root into the unknown and to know that I am being held by Mama Bali. I’m going with my intuition on this one.
The energy of this island, to me, is feminine and very powerful. The goddesses that I’ve met before all dwell here…Kali, Saraswati, Lakshmi, Durga, Parvati, and one that I am meeting for the first time, Bhuvaneshwari, the goddess of sacred space. I’m going to sit with her for a while and just hold space for myself to be present and to feel all the feels. The gods are present too, just quieter for now.
There is going to be more cracking open, more blooming more cracking, more blooming and it’s going to be painful and beautiful and healing. And all the while, I’m being held in the safe arms of Mama Bali, which is exactly where I need to be, discomfort, bug bites and all.