This is a vulnerable post. #22 just sounded good. I just came from an amazing session of acupuncture. Despite all my good intentions at building my empire, I have had a feeling of coming up against a wall that I just don’t know how to get over or around. With that comes a chaotic and erratic sense of anxiousness, that feels like un-contained flood waters wanting to rise up and out. Add to it financial stress and well, it’s just not a nice feeling. Acupuncture helped to calm the waters to a more manageable flow.
I am a non-finisher. I am an amazing, spectacular starter! Yes I am! I start many a project thinking it will save me or that I will somehow miraculously find the answer to Life, the Universe, Everything! but that doesn’t ever happen. I would blame the non-finishing on, quite often, the fact that I was bullied and teased and made fun of for most of my childhood and teen years. The voices of my peers from that time rise up like some wounded broken chorus, telling me again that I am not worthy, or enough, or wrong or (insert insult here). I’m also not that great at reaching out for help when those voices sneak in and instead keep it all to myself. I would refuse to take responsibility for where I was in my life.
By the way, this is not a beating up on myself post, so before you start thinking that I am, know this: the Princess will (me) save herself in this one.
I jumped back on the B-School train thinking it would be what I needed to do, but despite it’s clear path guiding me to launching my business, it’s not going to do the work for me. I can follow the formula but if I don’t put in the work, if I don’t set the goal, if I don’t participate and if I continue to allow distractions in all their shiny glory to pull me away from doing the work, then I’m just out on a little paddle boat in the middle of the lake of discontent going in circles.
( I see you picturing that and yes, you can laugh 🙂 )
I am where I am because I allowed myself to get here. My eyes were wide open 2 years ago when I had financial challenges and backed out from the situation but then I walked right back in. I am fully responsible for me being where I am. Fully. And it’s painful and it sucks. So what am I going to to about it? Save myself. Ask for help. Become my own super-heroine. No more side-kicking. How? One step at a time. I will keep you posted along this journey.
So back to what is rising inside of me. For too long I’ve just pushed all that is rising, light and dark, back down. I’m done with that. So let it all rise and burst forth. The waters will drown that wounded broken chorus and wash them away. For I am strong enough to handle it all.
The Universe: Yes you are.
Hello boundaries my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again. I’ve been learning or perhaps re-learning what my boundaries are and what they needed to be.
It’s easy to say to someone ‘hey respect my boundaries’ but how about when I’m not respecting my own boundaries and intuition.
When we are children we start to learn the word ‘no’. It’s usually when we are 2 and it’s the best word ever to say, especially super loud in a building that echoes. But we aren’t really taught boundaries at least, not how to have healthy boundaries. We are so busy going to school, learning social ‘norms’ like who is cool and who isn’t, learning math, learning history, working on figuring out who we are, and if the voices of our peers are us telling us we aren’t good enough, or that no one likes us, we start figuring out how to become someone everyone will like. We hang out with people we normally wouldn’t, we go places we really don’t want to and we do things, like ditching school and smoking, just to try and please other people. In short, we let people past our boundaries time and time again. No wonder we are so messed up as adults.
I’m at a place in my life where I have a wealth of adventures but not funds. At 45 years of age, I had to phone my Mom and ask if I could borrow enough money to pay rent. Hello guilt & shame, I’ve come to talk to you again. I loathed having to ask her. ‘Hi! This is your adult daughter asking for you to bail her out (again).’ For various reasons, and I own much of this, I am barely making ends meet. Why am I admitting this here, out loud, possibly to strangers who happen across my blog? Because it sucks and it feels rotten and frustrating and shameful and I know I’m not the only one experiencing this. Too many times we shut down when we feel any sort of shame or guilt or having to ask for help. I didn’t write this to cause any grief or to be pitied or to invoke my victim self or to shame anyone else, I wrote it for me because I hide too much of my life. It would hurt more to carry it inside rather than blurt it out and leave it on the page. I could have just done this as a journal entry, but what if someone else needs to read this and know that they’re not alone in this world of adulting.
I was reminded beautifully today, in speaking with a friend, that when we run from the pain or try to hide from it, it only delays it. It’s doesn’t go away. It’s when we stand and face the pain of whatever it is we are going through, whether it’s money or addictions or the fear of disappointing someone or shame, it gets easier to move through the pain and the more we do that, the less fear we have of it.
On the phone today, in tears, I said to my Mom (not verbatim), ‘I know that a couple of years down the road, when I am in a place of abundance, prosperity, financial health & wealthy, and in a place where I can give back, I will look back on this day and know that as much as it sucked, that I had to go through it, that it was worth it just to not ever feel like that again.’ And she said ‘It’s already happened’. I can feel my couple-of-years-from-now self reaching back and holding me and assuring me that all of it, all of the pain, the suckiness, the lack, will be worth it. That I will get through it. And I will be able to send my Mom on an all expense paid trip to Cinque Terre for her 81st birthday. Because 81 is a bit more rebellious that 80.
Seanna: Hey Universe, this one really, really hurts. Like deep in my heart hurt.
The Universe: It means you are alive and you feel deeply. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Remember the pain of it. That will keep you moving forward and building your empire so you don’t ever have to feel it again. (Yes, I’ve seen your FB and Instagram posts) And keep working on your boundaries and listening to your heart. You mastered step classes in the 90’s and you will master this too. You are loved and supported, always.
I’ve been up in my head for the last week or so and the conversation has been, for the most part, utterly stupid or at least about stupid things. I rant and rave and get upset about things about other people that are out of my control. I get angry about being 45 and still working paycheque to paycheque and not even being close to a down payment on a house in Spuzzum let alone Vancouver or Victoria. Then I get frustrated at myself for ranting and raving about other people’s behaviour that I can’t control. Then I would do the whole ‘enough!’ and talk to myself in the 3rd person. There was an intense tennis match up there. (without the love)
I know, logically, that the ONLY person I am responsible for is me. I am the one that can control my behaviour, what I think and do, how I am in the world. I am soooooo good at creating boundaries in my head. Seriously! Oscar worthy speeches get written in my head about said boundaries but don’t get communicated out. Maybe I need the Kodak Theatre stage to stand on? (taps mic, “Is this thing on?”) I let other people and their issues (or what I view as issues) and the past take up space in my head. And it’s exhausting. I’m done with it. It will take time but I’m increasing the real estate prices in my head and only nourishing, healthy, beautiful luxurious thoughts may enter. (think yoga on a beach in French Polynesia) As the rates increase, I will be pushing the squatters out. No, you may NOT stay.
I can care, but not have to care-give.
I can assist, but not have to do it all.
I can love, but not have to lose myself or my integrity in the process.
I can just listen and not have to reply.
I can say no. Just that.
Okay, I can say no and not feel guilty. (sorry)
I will hold to my boundaries, so expect to hear no more often. (again, sorry)
We are responsible for ourselves and how we are. No one else. When I worked in hotels, especially in management, I had to take responsibility for others and situations. The staff, the guests, the people outside that were panhandling on the side walk, the condition of the room, the aftermath of a car break-in, the fire alarm at 7 in the morning…I could go on, but you get the idea. All of it out of my control, but as management, it was expected and still is anywhere a management structure is in place. It took a while to learn how to let go of the heaviness of it and it’s still a lesson in progress.
What you did to me or said to me is your business. How I respond to it is mine.
If we take too much responsibility for other peoples stuff, they don’t learn how to carry it themselves. Or stand on their own. It’s like a form of enabling and it sucks.
So please don’t give me your stuff, or anyone else’s for that matter. I have enough of my own.
You do you.
I will do me.
And hopefully we can meet somewhere in the middle for a hug and tea.
Seanna: <deep sigh> Hey Universe, this is a big lesson and it’s uncomfortable and I’m emotional about saying it out loud in the form of this blog. <another deep sigh>
The Universe: Seanna, you are still loving and still compassionate and still a good human being. Hold fast to your boundaries. It will get easier. And yes, you get to take this into the next life with you.
I stood at the edge of the cliff, at the edge of all I have known, so far, with the all people that had been apart of all I have known, so far
Suitcases were stacked haphazardly all around us, some with their contents spilling out onto the soggy ground, getting drenched by the falling rain
‘I’m done carry you and your baggage. Whether you meant for me to carry it or not, at some point during this journey, so far, I picked it up and helped you carry it
I’ve got my own baggage to carry and unpack and carry and unpack and I can’t carry yours anymore. I won’t carry yours anymore.
It’s heavy and it’s cumbersome and old. You need to carry it on your own or leave it here. It’s up to you.
But from here on out, I only carry my own matching baggage
There are new edges to come to, new joys to feel, new radiance’s to shine with, new adventures to seek’
I took an energetic sword and cut through all the connections that have kept me here, held me here.
I cut through and felt them release.
I heard the whisper ‘Come to the edge and fly’
With that, and feeling so much lighter, I leaped off the cliff into new possibilities, new adventures, and joy.
While I was traveling, I kept a journal of my travels and had every intention of blogging at least 3 times a week to keep people up to date on where I was, the food and all of that fun travel stuff. I sat down to write on my blog numerous times. There are drafts of at least 12 blogs that have one or two sentences. What I found is that, despite my love of writing and sharing that writing through the medium of a blog, I have yet reached that place of being able to fully communicate what I experienced in my travels.
Perhaps it would have been easy enough to write and tell you about the meals and the buildings and the architecture, but what wants to come out of me is deeper than meals and restaurants and best place to stay in this neighbourhood kind of posts.
I relied on other bloggers that had come before me to the places I traveled. Their advice on transportation, recommendations for the best coffee, tea, and tours helped guide me along my journey through various countries. At points, I tried to write like those others, and the key word here is try. We can only write like ourselves, no one else. Authenticity translates through the way you write and if you aren’t using your own voice, people will notice and call foul.
Traveling solo is amazing and exhausting and lonely and exciting and joyful. It allows you to travel at your own pace, to where you want to go and to be as introverted as you want to be. You can eat when you want, what you want, get up when you want…the list goes on. Selfie sticks can assist when there isn’t anyone else around to take your photo. Though it’s always helpful to remember to carry said selfie stick with you while out and about for the day. Especially if you have short arms. Like me.
It also confronts you with discomfort and uncertainty and foreign languages that have you realizing that you really did need to pick up that little book of phrases at the airport. Google translate was my friend and Bali became my comfort zone, erupting volcano and all. It was and always will be familiar to me and when I got back, she wrapped me in her cloak of warmth and love and allowed me to come back to myself after traveling in countries that are still recovering from deep pain and sadness. I carried some of that back to Bali with me, so being surrounded by her rice fields and temples was welcomed and needed.
I will be writing about the places I went to, where I stayed, where I ate and who I met, all the airports I napped in, all the airport hotels I slept in, all of that, in my own way. I tend to feel things deeply so many of the experiences are still embedded deeply within me and are slowly rising to the surface the more I ground into being home. Expect more blogs to come soon.
Seanna: Hey Universe, thank you for supporting me, guiding me and keeping me safe through all my adventures, especially in the moments of doubt and fear.
Universe: It is my pleasure. I’ve got your back.
I’ve been home for a week and I’ve allowed my body to dictate when I am sleeping and eating. I’m usually in bed by 6pm and up around 5:30am, making coffee and getting dressed. That’s about as active as I can get at the moment. More morning activities will be added as the jet lag wears off.
While I know that making the decision to come back when I did, there is some sadness that trickles in when I am tired.
Traveling by yourself is challenging and exhilarating and rewarding and confronts you with limits that you have to push past, especially when you are in countries where English is not the first language. You will be in train stations that have signs posted and you have no idea what they say. You only hope that you get on the right train or bus and you hope that you are traveling in the right direction, whatever that direction is.
I pushed boundaries and limits and comfort zones and any other analogy that you want to use. I confronted fear and discomfort and I stared them down until they were mere wisps that disappeared in the breeze.
The thing is, pushing past all those comfort zones changes you and expands what you feel is possible in your life. When you return ‘home’ with everything that has changed you, you can’t return to what your life was before you left because it no longer exists.
So you grieve it, and send it gratitude because it got you to the place where you felt brave enough to leap into the adventure that helped expand your view of the world and expand your belief in what you are capable of.
I feel like I am on this amazing path of discovery and I get to keep moving forward into more growth, more discomfort, more expansiveness and more adventure. And it feels so good.
2018, you are going to rock.